


Kyle's Boomin' Crime

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [27]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Politics, American Politics, Anal Sex, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Childhood Friends, College, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crimes & Criminals, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, Drinking Games, Drinking to Cope, Drugs, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Enemies to Friends, Epic Friendship, Excessive Drinking, Face-Fucking, Friendship, Fucking, Good Writing, Government, Government Agencies, Government Conspiracy, Heavy Drinking, House Party, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, Minor Original Character(s), Oral Sex, Original Fiction, Original Universe, Other, Party, Party Games, Partying, Politics, President Donald Trump, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Drugs, Rough Oral Sex, Sex, Skull Fucking, Smoking, Tequila, Tragedy/Comedy, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Whiskey & Scotch, Writing, Writing Exercise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28966293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Joe Biden had been elected President.  His top goal was simple, undo everything Donald Trump did in office.  This included numerous pardons Trump gave to The Boys for their many shenanigans.  The Boys decide to retaliate.
Relationships: Barack Obama/Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders/Donald Trump, Donald Trump/Donald Trump, Donald Trump/Melania Trump, Donald Trump/Milo Yiannopoulos, Donald Trump/Reader, Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump, Joe Biden & Amy Klobuchar, Joe Biden & Barack Obama, Joe Biden/Anthony Fauci, Joe Biden/Barack Obama, Joe Biden/Beto O'Rourke, Joe Biden/Donald Trump/Chris Wallace, Joe Biden/John Kerry, Joe Biden/Justin Trudeau, Joe Biden/Kamala Harris, Joe Biden/Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris/Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un/Donald Trump, Marco Rubio/Donald Trump, Mike Pence/Donald Trump, Sean Spicer/Donald Trump, Ted Cruz/Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin/Donald Trump
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981
Kudos: 1





	Kyle's Boomin' Crime

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to read the other stories of Kyle's Boomin' Adventures!!

Kyle’s Boomin’ Crime

Kyle had moved back to college. For most kids his age, that would be a momentous event, having been locked up in a house with controlling parents for ten straight months, they would want to go back to the parties and be on their own. That was not the case for Kyle however, he had to go back to the toxic think tank that was his college. Once back on campus, all the depression and anxiety he had the previous year came back to him as though it had never left. All the toxic people around him embraced each other while Kyle walked around campus blasting rap music in order to block the putrid sounds of ambient new wave music that surrounded the campus.  
Kyle’s plan was simple, be on his own. Kyle would not reach out to anyone or participate in any social function. If he were to be dragged to one, Kyle would leave as soon as possible. Every night, no matter how cold, Kyle would walk around the lonely desolite campus and facetime the boys in order to keep his sanity. If not that, he was walking into town getting various items for the dorm blasting music into his headphones. Kyle’s plan was going successfully, except for one major problem. 

“Oh my god I missed you boomer!!!” Nancy Drew yelled running up to Kyle giving him a big hug.

“God fucking damnit.” Kyle grunted. 

“Did you miss me?” Nancy asked.

“I saw you drank bleach and somehow survived, that pisses me off.” Kyle responded.

“You did miss me, you remember details over the past year!” Nancy chirped.

“No it’s just something one would remember.” Kyle responded frustrated. 

“Hey Kyle have you ever taken the gay pill?” Nancy asked while laughing.

Not wanting to entertain the conversation anymore, Kyle took out a rolled magazine and proceeded to tap Nancy on the head as if she were a dog. Nancy looked at Kyle with sad puppy dog eyes after, only making Kyle do it a second time. Still keeping that face, Kyle walked away.  
Although physically being at college, Kyle still had to take classes online. Kyle had to get Covid testing done once every other week, fill out a daily survey on an app that tracks students and allows for them to nark on each other, and was forced to wear a mask even outside on campus. While walking outside, Kyle refused to wear a mask, he only compiled when the campus police drove by. It was a Wednesday night, Kyle’s roommate had a weird Tik Tok E-Boy over who happened to be part of The Boof Brigade. Kyle decided to walk outside in the blistering cold and facetime the boys instead of dealing with their cringiness.

“So how was college today Kyle?” Malcolm asked.

“Dude this place exudes depression. No shit.” Kyle responded.

“I saw your snap of the food, that looks god awful.” Mark commented.

“Dude, I asked for the pasta, they gave little sauce and the drink machine ran out so it’s basically water that has a hint of Gatorade in it.” Kyle explained. 

“The Italian in me is screaming at how god awful that looks.” Malcolm stated. 

“Also, everyone here is obsessed with gayness. They’re fascinated with it.” Kyle said.

“Yo the fuck?!” Jay asked in a concerned manner.

“No shit, even the straight guys, all they talk about is gay sex. I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked if I want to take a ‘gay pill’.” Kyle explained.

“Dude I’m fucking done.” Mark said. “Kyle, we have to destroy that place.” 

“Hey what if we come up one weekend?” Nick asked. 

“Yeah, we can come up and party with you so you don’t have to drink alone.” Gianni said. 

“I mean like, it’s possible. It’s really easy to sneak people into the halls.” Kyle stated.

“How about this weekend?” Nick offered. “We drive up and show these little shit heads how to live.” 

“I like it.” Kyle responded. “I have two bottles of Pink Whitney, a twelve pack of rona, like four Fireball mini’s, three Jack Daniel’s mini’s, and a weird cinnamon whiskey from a small distillery in Cooperstown New York.” 

“Oh fucking bet, we’re about to get turnt beyond belief.” Mark stated.  
The rest of the week flew by. Kyle attended his classes online and wandered the town aimlessly trying to avoid his peers. Eating alone in the student center and dining hall, walking into town in order to get small appliances, and listening to music in his dorm helped Kyle pass the time until the weekend. Friday night Nick drove the boys up to Kyle’s college and parked in town. Kyle walked off campus and met them in the communal parking lot. The boys walked onto campus and saw for themselves what Kyle had been talking about for a year and a half. The boys were disgusted and filled with rage. 

“These are the people you go to school with?!” Malcolm screamed.

“Yep, welcome to my prestigious alma-mater.” Kyle responded sarcastically. 

“I want to destroy everyone here.” Mark said with no emotion. 

“No cap these people are fucking weird.” Jay commented.

“Speaking of weird.” Kyle said as Nancy Drew approached the boys. 

“Oh my god are you Kyle’s friends?!” Nancy shouted. “I’ve been wanting to meet you guys for some time! I’m not as much of an asshole as this idiot describes me as.”

“Shut the fuck up you little investment!!” Mark shouted. 

Nancy stood sad. Prior to her return on campus, Nancy’s parents told her that she was nothing but an investment. Nancy proceeded to snap Kyle a picture of her crying telling him about said comments. Kyle told the boys and they had a field day with it. Nancy stood sad, Kyle proceeded to bop her on the head with a magazine and walk off. Kyle opened the door to his residence hall and let the boys in. Since there was no RA, the floor was lawless. Kyle’s roommate was sitting in the dorm crying by himself because another bumble date ghosted him. Kyle and the boys barged in. 

“Get the fuck out of my dorm.” Kyle said sternly.

“What?” Kyle’s roommate asked in confusion. 

“Get the fuck out before I bust your skinny ass skull in you toxic fuck.” Mark yelled.

Mark and Jay proceeded to pick Kyle’s roommate up and throw him out of the dorm. Nick shut the door, which automatically locked. Luckily for the boys Kyle’s roommate’s keys were still in the room. Malcolm and Gianni opened their bags, which were filled with Smirnoff vodka and Corona. Mark and Jay took out their bongs and passed it around. The boys proceeded to drink and hot box Kyle’s dorm. The group gradually fell from sobriety into a deep state of inebriation. It was like a montage out of Hot Tub Time Machine, various drugs were consumed with many random characters in their heads.  
Kyle woke up with numerous beer bottles on his bed. Being incredibly hungover, he sat up and tried to nurse his pounding headache. Kyle looked around, the room was trashed with beer bottles and bongs, a few mice were scurrying around as well. Kyle could not remember anything from the night prior. The Sunday Scaries hit him as he could not recall any events that occurred once they started drinking. Gianni woke up next, he was sleeping on the floor and propped himself up next to Kyle’s bed. Once sitting up, Gianni immediately projectile vomited onto Jon’s face, which woke him up too.

“Jesus Christ Gianni!! What the fuck?!” Jon yelled, wiping the vomit off his face. 

“Sorry, I’m so hungover.” Gianni mumbled. 

“Guys wake the fuck up, do we remember anything from last night?” Kyle asked in a panic.

“I remember a little, we basically drank all the booze.” Nick commented.

“How the fuck do none of us remember anything?” Mark asked.

“Guys, check Kyle’s Snap story.” Jay said.

All the boys checked Kyle’s Snap. At around 2:00 in the morning, Malcolm took all his clothes off and started streaking down the middle of campus in the blistering cold. The boys followed and video taped the entire thing. 

“I’m streaking through the quad!!! I’m Full Sending it!!” Malcolm yelled while screeching. 

“Damn Malcolm you must be fucking cold!” Mark shouted.

“That’s not the cold asshole, I’m just really fucking small!!!” Malcolm yelled.

“Damn he really just admitted he’s small!!” Jay responded. 

Malcolm proceeded to run all the way to the front of campus where the statue of Daniel Geed was. The statue of Daniel Geed portrayed him on a horse with a whip, assuming that he was about to whip his slaves. Malcolm had a can of blue spray paint. He proceeded to climb up onto the statue and paint the balls of Daniel Geed’s horse blue. The campus police eventually showed up and everyone scattered. The boys sat with their jaws dropped looking at this footage. Not a word was spoken for minutes after that. 

“Okay, what the fuck was that?” Jon asked.

“Dude did someone pop Xanax or Roofies in our drinks last night?” Gianni asked.

“Wait a minute.” Mark interrupted. “Where the fuck is Malcolm?” 

“FUCK!” Kyle shouted. 

It was clear that all the boys except for Malcolm were in Kyle’s dorm. Mark slept on the roommates bed, Jay sat up there as well. Nick and Jon sat on the desk chairs while Gianni sat below Kyle’s bed. Malcolm was nowhere in sight. Frantically, the boys looked on Snap Map to see if Malcolm was there. After an unsuccessful attempt, they started to text and call him. With no response, the boys decided they had to get ready and go on a search party for Malcolm. 

“Jesus Christ this is exactly like The Hangover.” Kyle commented.

“Where do we start?” Nick asked.

A sudden knock came from the door which startled the boys. Kyle got up and approached the door hoping that it was Malcolm. Much to his relief, and to the boys as well it was just Malcolm. Through the peephole, Kyle could see that Malcolm stole clothes from the school bookstore. Malcolm had a crew neck, t-shirt and sweats of the school in order to cover up the fact he was nude screaming his head off around campus earlier. Kyle opened the door to let Malcolm in.

“I made J.C. my bitch.” Malcolm said immediately with a smile on his face.

“What?!” Kyle responded.

“I made that fag my little bitch.” Malcolm boasted. 

“You’ve got to be kidding Malc.” Mark commented.

“Who the fuck is J.C.?” Jay asked.

“He’s this closet homosexual who happens to be horrible with social norms and is toxic as fuck.” Kyle explained. “Literally no one likes him here.”

“Ah, wait what the fuck?!” Jay responded. 

“Yep! After I spray painted the horses balls, I ran into town where this fat kid lured me in with beer. It was a really shitty IPA but I still drank it. This kid was weird as fuck and eventually started hitting on me. He then asked me if he could suck my dick. I thought to myself, ‘you know what, this guy has been giving Kyle a lot of shit lately, I might as well make him my bitch.” Malcolm explained.

“Thank you Malcolm.” Kyle said.

“Malcolm what the fuck is with you and having dudes suck your dick?!” Jon yelled. 

“I made him my bitch.” Malcolm confidently responded.

“No Malcolm, you’re gay.” Jon snapped. 

“It’s not gay to have a man suck your cock.” Malcolm said.

“It’s pretty gay Malcolm.” Mark commented. 

“Fuck you.” Malcolm responded.

The boys left later that day once their hangovers weren’t as painful. Kyle let his roommate back in and proceeded to wander the campus alone again. The new week started and Kyle was back to his depressing schedule. Monday Morning, Kyle woke up to find an email from the Dean of the university. Kyle was to report to his office immediately after classes. Once classes were done, Kyle walked over to the educational building where in person classes were held. Kyle knocked on the door.

“You wanted to see me Mr. Dean?” Kyle asked.

“Yes come in come in. Have a seat will you?” The Dean asked.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes while the Dean looked at his computer. The computer had Kyle’s profile up, showing his transcripts and the reports that brought him into the office. 

“So Mr. Peschler, it says here that…” The Dean stopped mid sentence once he took a glance at Kyle. “Okay you see that shirt is very disrespectful.” 

Kyle wore a long black t-shirt that said “Chill Bitch” on the front. The idea was to tell everyone looking at the shirt to chill. Knowing that he was sent to the Dean’s office for some stupid reason, Kyle put the shirt on just to troll him.

“What, this?” Kyle responded. “These are my everyday clothes. Are you discriminating against me?!” 

“No! No, that shirt has profanity on it, aimed at me.” The Dean stated.

“Us Guyanese people take pride in what we wear.” Kyle ranted. “I don’t think social media would have trouble cancelling you once I expose this.” 

“Kyle I’m sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.” The Dean responded. “I simply took it out of context, my apologies, may we continue?”

“I don’t know man.” Kyle said.

“What can I do to make you forgive me?!” The Dean cried.

“Apologize for being white.” Kyle responded.

Before Kyle left for college, he made it a goal to have a white pandering liberal apologize to him for being white. Within the first day, Kyle had both his roommate and Nancy Drew apologize on camera, which he sent to the boys. Kyle took out his phone and started to record.

“I am sorry for being white.” The Dean said.

“Thank you.” Kyle responded.

“Now Kyle, the reason why I have you here is due to the events last weekend that were caused by you.” 

“What’s that?”

“You brought your friends up, who most likely have Covid, locked your roommate out of your dorm, you drank and smoked underage, and made one of your friends streak naked across the campus only to vandalize the statue of the great man who founded this prestigious institution.” 

“Uh huh, allow me to rebuttal. That could not have happened because I have no recollection of any of that. Also it is a known fact that Daniel Geed was a slave owner and built this institution with slave labor. So if anything, we would be doing a service to this school. Oh wait, everyone here is a pandering racist so they applaud such a hateful figure.” 

“Kyle we have proof you did it.”

“Show me.”

“Alright, let me just pull up the video from your Snapchat.” The Dean said before looking at the screen confused. 

“What’s wrong Dean?” Kyle asked mockingly. 

“Where is the video?! I had it here two days ago!”

“It’s Snapchat retard, the posts automatically delete after twenty four hours.” 

“Well it doesn’t matter.” The Dean responded. “This goes far beyond the school.”

“Huh?” Kyle asked in confusion. 

“Apparently you and your motley crue of friends have been involved in many illegal activities. It says here President Trump had pardoned you on half of that shit. Joe Biden was just inaugurated and is making it his first task to get you guys in jail.”

“FUCK!!!” 

Somehow Joe Biden won the election even though nobody besides the Hollywood Elite liked him. Whenever the boys got in hot water, Donald Trump would pardon them. After escaping prison, robbing international banks, colonizing North Korea, and inciting a riot to storm the Capital, the boys were on everyone’s radar. It looked as if Joe Biden had done his research and was ready to take the boys down. Kyle saw F.B.I. agents walk towards the office. Kyle sprinted out and ran into the woods. He proceeded to call the boys frantically. 

“Guys were fucked!” Kyle yelled.

“What do you mean?” Gianni asked.

“All the shit Trump pardoned us on is being reversed by Biden.” Kyle responded.

“The fuck?!” Mark shouted.

“Biden is doing everything possible to destroy any accomplishments by Trump. That includes any pardons he gave.” Kyle explained.

“That pedophile fuck!!!” Malcolm shouted. 

“This is bullshit, he along with every politician has done much worse things.” Nick said.

“We just do dumb shit to an extreme degree, they all rape and murder people.” Jay added.

“I say we fight this clown.” Mark said. “No chance in fuck am I letting this fucker ruin my life.” 

“It’s settled then.” Kyle said. “Boys, we’re going back to D.C.” 

All the boys were detained and sent to a local prison down near Washington D.C. Just like the first time in prison, Malcolm attempted to punch the biggest guy there. Malcolm proceeded to get gang raped by the biggest guy and his brothers, who happened to be Bloods. The day came where the boys would go in front of Joe Biden and defend their case. They were escorted inside The White House by security and sent into the Oval Office. Joe Biden was asleep at his desk.

“Mr. President wake up. Those kids you hate for some reason are here.” The Security Officer said.

Biden did not wake up from his deep sleep. His snoring was so loud that it could be heard throughout the White House. The boys and the security guard stood in awkward silence as Biden snored away.  
“I don’t know what else to do.” The Security Officer said. 

“I have an idea.” Mark replied.

Mark picked up a dusty old book that had been on the shelf since the Jackson administration. Mark blew on the book making a cloud of dust and flipped through the pages. Mark proceeded to throw the book at Joe Biden’s head, waking him up. 

“Wake up you sleepy little bitch!” Mark yelled. 

“What?! Where am I?! Who are you?!” Biden asked. 

“This usually happens, I have to help him regain his memory for like five minutes.” The Security Officer said to the boys.

“We’re the boys you want to put in jail.” Jon said.

“Boys? There are boys here?! Let them sit on my lap and brush my leg hairs!!” Biden responded.

“Mr. President we talked about this, no talking about raping little boys okay?” The Security Officer said sternly. 

“Will you shut the hell up man? I’m looking for little boys!!” Biden responded. 

“Hey Joe, can you get your shit together so we can discuss our fate?” Kyle asked.

“Fuck you I want to rape little boys!!!” Biden yelled.

“Jesus this guy is a fucking madman!!” Mark shouted. 

“Keep yappin man!!” Biden yelled as he got up from his desk. 

“Holy shit he’s got Malcolm!!!” Kyle yelled.

“Guys!! Help me!!! He’s raping me!! Joe Biden is raping me!!!!!” Malcolm cried.

“I got this all on camera.” Nick commented. 

“Oh fuck. Listen kid, we can’t let this get out.” The Security Officer said.  
“Take us to Kamala, we need to speak to someone who’s actually mentally stable.” Jon ordered. 

“Sure thing.” The Security Officer responded. 

The Security Officer led the boys out of the Oval Office, leaving Malcolm behind to get raped by Joe Biden. The boys were sent to the Capitol Building, which they had stormed just three weeks before. The boys were sent into Kamala Harris’s office.

“Please come in boys, we have a lot to discuss.” Kamala said.

“Alright, you better drop these charges and pardon us.” Kyle demanded.

“I’ve been looking at your record.” Kamala stated. “Robbing Norwegian banks just to see what their prisons are like, then escaping prison once caught, invading North Korea, and let’s not forget the countless drugs and brawls you have been in. All of this was pardoned by Donald Trump. I’m going to put it bluntly, you boys are a menace to society and deserve to be locked up.” Kamala ranted.

“Oh you’re fucking reaching you dumb bitch.” Mark responded.

“So let me get this straight, you think we are a menace to society?” Kyle asked.

“Yes.” Kamala responded.

“You should see this video of your leader raping our friend.” Nick said, holding up his phone.

Kamala watched the video Nick took of Joe Biden raping Malcolm in the Oval Office. Kamala was appalled at what she saw. It was obvious she hated Joe from the start and only worked with him to get the job of Vice President. Kamala threw up on her desk, she then sat and cried in her chair.

“If you arrest us, we post this on our social media. We will print pictures and tape them around the city. You have no way of silencing us now.” Kyle said.

“Please! I’ll do anything! We can’t let that get out!!!” Kamala cried.

“You better drop all the charges that are against us.” Kyle ordered.

“Done.” Kamala responded, deleting the files.

“Also you better give us all the money you raised from your sorry ass excuse of a campaign.” Kyle continued.

“Alright, it will all be transferred to your bank accounts tonight.” Kamala said.

“Oh yea, put a fucking chastity belt on that old sack of shit. That guy is a menace to society.” Mark added.

“Will do.” Kamala responded.

The boys trashed Kamala’s office and walked out. They took a train back up to Parkersville where they partied at Malcolm's house. There they celebrated getting pardoned, and also the fact they bribed the President and Vice President into giving them all of their campaign donations. 

I hope you enjoyed my Boomin’ Crime. Go fuck yourself.


End file.
